Still traveling

I'm so grateful to be traveling! I've really learned a lot. I experienced a lot of grief and loneliness when I moved from la to lv, but now I have also experienced turmoil in personal relationships. It's a long story, and far too private to publish online, but I have grown. Now, more than ever, I am dedicated to getting matched and blessed. I haven't messed up too much so it should still be possible. My experiences have reaffirmed my beliefs in my church, and I am ready to move forward in my life of faith.

What's always pissed me off at church is the grandstanding. Fucking up is a very personal issue, it doesn't have to be some public humiliation thing. Staying on the right path is a personal thing, so shut up and just do what you gotta do. Some second gen have unrealistic expectations of the world because they haven't gone out there by themselves. I don't mean going out with GPA, I mean alone. No one around you who you know. The world is cruel! It really really really is. You have to fend for yourself! No one is going to be there for you! Nobody!

You have to have VERY solid faith in your principles, and even if you do you absolutely MUST know your weaknesses!! It can be hard to know your weaknesses until you're alone and thrust into a difficult situation where you do make a wrong decision! It's easy to think what you'd do in a problem, but if you're not the actual situation where your conscious must make a decision, then you won't know your weaknesses!!

The point I really wanted to make is just that things are different when you're alone. Nobody to call or talk about your problems to. Nobody who grew up in any way similar to how you did. Nobody with the same morals and beliefs. When you are put in a rough spot, you're alone. When you mess up, you're alone. When you recover and come out stronger, you're alone. Every second of the day you walk around alone. The world is so cruel. People are twisted and want to use you and use you and use you until there's nothing left. To any girls who read this, don't be nice. Trust me, they don't deserve an ounce of your kindness.

Running aesy

I can't seem to run away enough~

Korea

I'm in Korea!!
Seoul is very nice. I've been enjoying walking around and exploring, although it can get a bit lonely all by myself.

I got stopped last night by a guy yesterday who asked if he could walk with me. He was nice, but told me a lot that he thought I was pretty. He was quite persistent about wanting to go drinking, but I've never done that and I don't want my first experience to be with a guy I don't know.

Anyways, I'm having fun exploring, and I'm about to go out again, so I need to get ready. Byeee~~~

Stressed

I'm so stressed right now and I haven't even begun my daycare job! I start in 3 days, and all of a sudden my employer messages me that I need this work card that takes this huge process and a police background check and interview to get. 3 days before I start!! And not only that, but apparently it takes some time to get approval and for them to do all their research, so it's not even possible to get within 3 days! And it costs like $100! This hoe!! I need money I can't wait to get an approval card that costs a bunch and takes a lot of time/energy.

Other than that, I also need to book reservations for my flights and hotels as soon as possible before prices rise and availability runs out. I'm really nervous about not having enough money for over 3 months! I'll be working 7 days a week, but what if it's not enough?

From the moment I wake to the moment I sleep, I'm stressed! I've already made 2/3 hotel reservations so now it's official that I'm going, but then how about flights!! And food money! What if I pay off everything but then I have hardly any money for food? Or money for train tickets??

I'm in LA!!

I'm finally in LA! It feels soooo good to be back. You really don't know what you got till it's gone. My friend was driving us down a freeway and kind of ish apologizing for how long it was taking to get somewhere and I was like ?????? There's trees here and hills and more trees and tons of buildings??? This is amazing!!!

Journey

The weather today is ~mysterious warm~ the air is soft cool, not cold where I'd need a jacket or sweater. The sky is grey, and there are dark clouds in the distance. Perfect day to explore.
There aren't many places to explore in Vegas, since everywhere is just suburbs, but I still enjoy the ~exploring~ atmosphere. Im sure it'll be fun once I have my own car!! (๑•̀O•́)و✧
It'll be nice to just go on long drives and see what I can find~

I don't know if it'll be possible for me to go to LA. I really want to go, but my mom has to finish her work.
For now, I'm content with the exciting weather and zoning out, thinking I'm somewhere else.

Good Vibes_5/24/17

An unpublished post from earlier in the year.

Summer is coming, and the weather is amazing. It hasn't gotten too hot yet and the air hasn't become the hot desert wind yet, so it's juuuust right. It makes me wanna stay outside!!

There's a chance I'll be able to go to LA next week (spring break) and I am sooooo excited!!! I miss my friends!! I'm so happy that they welcome me back, even though they've grown differently and made new friends. I've changed a lot too, but maybe I could use some help with the making friends part (lol)

I wish I had some friends today!! It's such perfect weather, I'd love to hang out with someone. I guess I'm not always such a recluse?

Being outside right now reminds me of just hanging out for hours and hours at my friend's house in LA. Summer feels good.

Work

I work at a well known own ice cream shop. It's not too bad, and I get free ice cream!~ I actually really enjoy working there on the daytime shifts when it's bright outside and I can take my time to make people's food really nice~

However, there is a bit of a down side. I have 2 nice coworkers, but the other 5 are only nice half of the time. And by nice I mean not as shitty as they are at other times.

There's my head manager, who I really struggled with at first, but she's came to be soomewhhaat familiar with me (she doesn't just not talk to me and just boss me around). When it gets busy though, she's quick to immediately blame me for anything that goes wrong.

Then surprisingly, the other manager who actually got me the job, is also really shitty. He was really nice when we'd talk on Snapchat, but when I met him irl (we'd first met irl and he had a crush on me so he was really nice to me), he just brushed me off. That's just his attitude towards me now. He's really unpredictable, sometimes laughing at my jokes and talking to me, other times ignoring me and treating me like he hates me.

The next one is the owners son, who is extremly rude to everyone. Since his dad owns the place, he's always power tripping, bossing around everyone like crazy. He speaks to me like I'm mentally retarded, and since he knows I don't party/date he looks down on me and is always really condescending.

Then, the worst bitch. I hate this girl so much. Completely unprovoked, this girl hated me from the get-go. She ignores me all the time and rolls her eyes when I talk to her. Every single time I try talking to her I'm extremly polite and I try to be outgoing. I always say please, thank you, and excuse me whenever she tells me what to do, and I've never been rude to her so I have nooo idea what her problem with me is at all. And she's nice to everyone else, including the other new girl, who she gave a nickname and talks to a lot.

Then, the other new girl. She was nice at first, but she the rude bitch who I mentioned above got her on her side. Now, it's a 50/50 with who I'm working with. If I'm working with the 2 nice people, then she's nice to me. If the bitch is there, then she ignores me straight to my face and talks shit about me to the bitch and when I come around the corner they go quiet and giggle to each other. Today she counted tips and she gave me less tips then everyone else. After she counted them I asked her how many tips we got total and she mumbled really quietly so I asked what twice and she ignored me right in front of me. So I asked the manager (the snapchat one) what the tip count was and he also gave me a huge attitude before telling me. I knew she was gonna give me less so that's why I asked what the total amount was.

I just really miss living in LA where I had friends and life was perfectly fine. I miss it I miss it I miss it.

Bee po bee po

Today I only had 1 class and I finished my homework in a couple of hours!~ I feel sooo free~~ it feels so good to get back online again and just do what I used to (when I had time).
The weather has actually been amazing recently!! Like 77°!!! It's been wonderful, but I'm afraid I've been so busy that I've had no time to enjoy it. Today, however, I did have time so I chilled out on our patio couch and took a nap. I was having a really weird scary dream, and I always write down my dreams, but this one was a continuation of another dream and it was just too complicated. I wish I could remember it now!
I don't have as many dreams as I did 2015/2016, but I think it's still much more often than when other people talk about their dreams. Actually there's been quite a few incidents recently where I completely confuse what happened in a dream and what actually happened. I can't stop daydreaming either!! I love it but also it's made me dumb since I've never paid any attention at all ever in class. I finish my homework and on the quiz the next day it's like my brain has thrown all the information away!! I remember absolutely nothing and I just stare at the problem like "what on earth is it asking of me I've never seen these symbols"!!
On a serious note, while life has been pretty good lately (other than my math class which I'm terribly failing), I feel lonely ): it seems like everyone has friends, and I've forgotten what it's like to hang out with people. What are you supposed to do? Do you just sit and talk? Are you supposed to put on a movie? I try to remember what I did with my friends in LA, and I think it's maybe too childish to do any of that now, but I have nothing else to go off of!! Anyways, I just really miss the feeling of having friends. I forgot about it and learned to detach myself from the feeling a while ago, but the other day I was people watching at my school and I saw some girls all sitting together talking. Why am I so unable to do that? When I see my LA friends at this church camp that comes around once a year, I am incredibly nervous, and sometimes I am too overwhelmed when I get to be a part of hanging out with people that I have to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry for a quick second. One time, I forgot who with, but within the last year or 2, I was hanging out with some church kids in my area and I cried a little when we were in the car all together. It's such a good feeling to have friends!!
I remember now what else triggered me wanting to have friends!! On Snapchat someone posted a video of him and all his friends and sisters friends hiding in a van with a birthday cake (it was a surprise for his sister who was getting picked up from school), and when the sister went to the van they all surprised her and sang her happy birthday. I think I would die!!! I don't think I've ever had that many friends, but even 1 person would be enough at this point.
My birthday is on the 23rd and I have no one to celebrate it with ): maybe I could invite some people, and make friends like that? I want to, but I really truly don't think I'm entertaining enough. Maybe if I invite enough people they can just talk to each other? But then I won't be making friends. Idk, I'll probably just bike somewhere and eat ice cream while I stare at the sky/mountains. They're very pretty here.

Still so young~

Ahh I wish I was just a little bit older!! I really wanna get matched already ): Of course I understand that I'm still way too young, and of course I'd never want to just skip into the future and miss all of the time in between, but I still can't shake the my feeling of want. I'm afraid that as I grow older, my future husband might make more mistakes. What if he can't help but flirt with other girls just to give him some sort of release? People have always seen it as very admirable of me and other bc's to be able to wait for a relationship until we are matched, but I've never understood why until recently. I've always thought it was obvious why we'd wait, since the payoff is so much greater. But now I can understand why it's actually difficult. Bc's are living testaments to the human spirit.
I can't help it when I crush on someone, but again I've never seen it as a problem not to act on my feelings. As I've grown a little older and I've come to have some confidence in myself, it's become harder not to act.i used to avoid my crushes like the plague, where as now I can be friends with them and actually kind of hang out with them. It's driving me crazy!! It makes me so sad!! Like I'm soo close!! One time my biggest high school crush said I was cute (a couple times actually) but I just cut the conversation off quickly after. Now, it's like I'm sooo clooose but I can't move, and it kind of hurts to be unable to say or do anything and just watch them fall in love with other people. My crush tells me about his gf and he posts pictures and it makes me so sad but I just have to keep saying she's so cute and that I'm so happy for them.
I keep telling myself that it'll all happen someday~someday~someday~
Someday my prince will come 😂💖☄

Busy Bee

I've been so busy lately! 2nd semester has started along with my new job! I'm taking 6 classes, and honestly they're kind of hard. My job isn't giving me much time to study either, if I want to sleep. I'm taking and into engineering course and I'm already doing quite poorly. And my major is in engineering!

As for the job, it's going pretty smoothly. It's at a very cute 50s style ice cream shop near my house. The ice cream Is good, and I get it for free so I definitely take advantage of that. It can be a bit stressful when we have many customers, and the clean up work is physical work that I am not used to, but I think it all builds character.

Also for the record can I just say that I love being a girl? I love cute things and sweet things and dressing up and acting delicate~ it's just wonderful~ I can't wait to get matched!

I really hope I'll be able to balance school and work!! It's tough and it's only the beginning!!! I'm afraid for midterms and finals ;;A;;