Staffing Workshop

So for those of you who don't know, I was raised in a korean church. I feel like I've always had pretty high expectations to meet, but I've never really known how to go about becoming a sociable, smart, and active young adult. My older brother kind of gave up on fitting in with them, but I really want to be able to hang out with the other kids raised in the church.

 I signed up to be a staff at a church camp on a whim, and seriously regretted it as I headed to LA for the pre-staff workshop. When I got there I kind of wanted to cry. I knew a majority of the people, but after I'd moved away I'd changed a lot and I felt like I couldn't relate to them anymore. Everyone was already friends, and I felt really left out and hurt. 

I cried a little at night and texted my best friend for some comfort. Shout out to Merika for being an amazing, bright friend who can always make me smile. she knows me too well!! as lame as it is, she actually told me to think of Goku whenever I felt down. He's always been the perfect role model to me while growing up, so it meant a lot to me. When I found myself quietly sitting in a group of girls who were talking about people I didn't know, I tried to be sociable and laugh whenever possible. It probably came out as really forced, but I tried. 

I noticed a lot how our church talks about self worth a lot. I actually really like myself, so it never really meant much to me. I was always just afraid of opening up and being rejected again. It happened when I was younger so I really didn't want it to happen with  people I respected a lot. 

One time when we were singing a holy song, the words hit me like a truck. "I can never stop feeling how unworthy am I". again it was the whole 'unworthy' thing, but this time i took it in a different light. I've sung this song my whole life, but I never really thought of it like that. The reason I felt so out of place among the other kids in my church was because I've always felt unworthy of their attention and love. I don't know why but I think I really really have a deep love for all of the kids in my church. I can't really explain my feeling very well since I'm super bad with words, but I guess it's kind of like I've always looked up to them that I  almost never really considered myself to be one of them. 

I held it in for the rest of the day and muted my emotions until night time, when we had a 21 minute prayer. I took this as my chance to cry my fucking eyes out. I don't think I have ever cried so much in one sitting. I just thanked God so much for letting me be a part of the movement and letting me be connected again with my family. I missed everyone a lot and it felt amazing to be with them again, even if I didn't talk much. 

When we all met up again after the prayer, I strongly resembled a drunk elderly lady who needed to sit down. My nose was red and I had bags under my eyes. I was a mess, but I felt great. I am sooooo grateful I got to attend that leadership camp and grow closer to my church family. They'll probably never read this, but I hope that through those couple of weeks I got to spend with them that maybe they were able to feel some of my love.