just lemme rest

I feel like I like talking less and less. I see posts on instagram and on facebook of this church youth workshop that they do every month in LA that I know had it been last year or anytime before I would've looooved to have gone, but now when I think about it I can't really see myself having very much fun with everyone. Actually, just thinking about it makes me really anxious. 
I've become so lazy!! Since I only have school twice a week and I do't have a lot of homework, I have a lot of free time. I applied to a lot of jobs but I haven't gotten any interviews, so I think my best chance would be to get a job through any connections I have (which means more talking ahhhhh). I have a papasan couch in my room and I have a bunch of blankets there that I just chill out while I read stuff on my phone. Soo lazy but soo relaxing!!
I go to this thing called CARP every thursday (at least I used to) where we read different exerts from readings like the bible or something ghandi said or this thing called the divine principle. I go to church with a lot of the people there so it's kinda like a nice little meet up one a week, but a couple weeks ago I messed up and said something really stupid. The environment there has always been super friendly and accepting, which sometimes brings in weird people,, but for the most part everyone is really chill. We have these small groups that we break off into and we go around and take a couple minutes to talk about the highlights and lowlights of our week. I told my group something bad I did but I was already getting over having done, and I just wanted advice on how to deal with the situation the next time something similar happens. Instead, I got my ass handed to me!! It felt like a public execution!! Everyone who I trusted and listened to their problems went out on me telling me I was a bad person and said all this crazy shit!! like wtf I thought we were good what you comin at me for? Annyways, even people my age couldn't give me any support and it was just extremely humiliating and the rest of the group meeting was reeeeaaalllyyy awkward. Like to everyone!! It wasn't just me like I was clearly on the edge of crying and trying to control myself after feeling so betrayed, while everyone kept lookin at me like I was gonna say something?? 
so I ended up trynna leave early but the group leader comes out and tries talking to me like we cool now and shit and I was just so done and embarrassed and really kinda hurt so while she was talkin to me I just turn and walk out the building and as soon as I'm out (the door open so she can still hear me) I start cryin like a little bitch!! I just kinda walked back to the college out of their eyesight and texted my only friend. She was really awesome about supporting me tho so props to her.
Anyways, it's been quite a few weeks since then, and things are still awkward as all hell between me and the group leader. I'm over it!! I don't wanna think about it or talk about it!! What happened happened! I don't want any apology or any sorta message or anything! I see her at church and act like it's all good but she keeps pulling me aside and sometimes apologizing and other times asking if I'm okay but like. Girl how am I supposed to tell you or anyone else for that matter anything? She keeps texting me and I just stopped responding like take a hint!! I don't want to have anything to do with CARP anymore!!

I just wanna be left alone like foreal is that so much to ask for

久しぶり!

It's been a while since I've posted anything!! I've been snooping around online and I've found a lot of my old profiles on various websites from my weeaboo days. It's sooo embarrassing, and the worst part is that it's not hard to find. I'm afraid someday someone I know irl will go through and find all my profiles and weird shit I've said or posted and it's just !!! 

LOL I can't believe some of the things I've even posted on this blog!! Some of this shit is just like... if anyone I know would see it.. yikes lmao
and I can't believe I put up our translating team's blog??? We changed the name now so the link is broken but still like @me girl what u thinkin??

Anyways, I'm in college now and things are going all right. I have a group of friends and it's pretty okay. I still always feel kinda sad but I think that it;s just a part of growing up and something that literally every single person on the planet feels as they grow up

                                                                     Can you imagine all the weird shit that's gonna be up by the time all these little kids who start using the internet when they're 5 will have up by the time they're adults?? It's only a matter of time before there's some sort of an internet profile cleaning business.